QAQAQ 2: Shall I Give in to My Boyfriend before Marriage?

QAQAQ is a Sunday post by Xio Ruth where she offers solutions to people's dilemma. Talk about your problem and read what it's all about here.

Situation: My boyfriend and I are together now for 8 months. 6 months into our relationship, he's been hounding me to have sex with him. And I don't want to! I want to get married first before I pop my cherry. And now, he's threatening me to break up with me if I won't do it. I love him so much and I don't want to break up with him ever. I'm 21, he's 23 and he's my first boyfriend.

Threats are never healthy in a relationship. Break up with this guy. He's not worthy of you. One must not be forced against his/her will to do something. If you stick to your relationship, he'll always beg if not bug you to sleep with him. He's a man and he has needs. But you're in a relationship and he must have loved you to ask you to be his girlfriend. If he does not respect your choice in this aspect, then there will be lots of things you'll never agree about later in the relationship. You're already threatened. He could hurt you. Run away now before it's too late and things get messier.

I don't know what you do in life and I don't know how you met. But then most of all, I don't know what made you two “hook up”. According to my friends, sex just happens. It's a primal thing. It happens when 2 people are at a certain high, a certain high of attraction when the hormones are at its peak. Given that, one must be attracted to another and the attraction must be mutual for both people to dance to the tune of love. Note that there's a huge difference between loving someone and falling in love with someone. Were you really in love with him? What made you decide to be his girlfriend in the first place? As to the way I see it, it seems to me like you're not really that attracted to him. You've never reached the point of 'not caring anymore' or the point of no return. You're a consenting adult and sure, you know how to do protected sex.

How come you've not reached the point of just wanting to have sex with him? Things might have been different in the old times but I know lots of elders who lost their virginity as young as 15 and still married to the other person and only separated in death. You see where I'm getting at? People were virtuous and conservative in the old times and yet, they've thrown their inhibitions once. Despite the social norm at that time and their beliefs in life, they 'made a mistake'. It just happened to them. And do you know why? They're so attracted to the other person that they got blinded and they just let go.

I don't know whether to be amazed by your 'strong will' or not. But one thing is clear: you're not attracted enough with him to give yourself up to the guy. Maybe it's your religious belief. You let it cripple you that you're not even comfortable with your own sexuality. 'I want to get married first before I pop my cherry.' This statement stems from the belief of 'sex for reproduction' over 'sex for pleasure.' The only statement you missed to tell is this, “I only want to have sex to have a baby.” You might be the type who, so that you'll only have 3 kids, you'll only experience 'making love' thrice in life if every attempt is successful or the type that would never use protection during sex because it's against God's words.

The bottomline: BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYRIEND not because he's threatening you but because you're the one who has issues.

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